The Me That Is I (About Me)

I am all about finding peace within myself, my environment, and others. I try to help others find peace, but haven’t been successful. I feel out of place when peace turns into all sorts of drama. I sort out life’s drama by writing, hoping to regain the peace that once graced me with it’s presence.

I am fascinated by people and the things that inspire them to emotion. Emotion isn’t very peaceful and I haven’t felt a normal emotion since I was 12 years old. I somehow managed to turn it off and throughout the entire period of attending school I was very happy not to have emotions. I had been told by my family to not feel how I did and keep it to myself, so I took that advice. I was no longer hurt by teasing, didn’t care what people think (although I was sure they wouldn’t like me if they knew me), and people trying to bully me was scary, but I didn’t back down and no one could ever see my fear, so they became scared of ME instead. I enjoyed being left alone, even though there was a rumor that I practiced voodoo. I didn’t care what people think anymore so I was happy to let them think it and didn’t answer any questions about it. I just looked at them as if they deserved to be cursed for thinking such nonsense. 😛

I spoke at my high school graduation. It wasn’t a high population school or even a normal  school, but when you add parents, it adds up to at least 400. I guess stage fright isn’t such a hard thing for someone who doesn’t know how to express it. No one could tell that my heart was beating hard and fast like I was running a marathon. I thought I might pass out from exhaustion and I hadn’t run a yard. My friend was also a speaker, I tried to calm her down but maybe it helped that I spoke first. It wasn’t by choice, it was alphabetical order, why couldn’t it be reverse order for once?

I am trying to understand people and their emotions. I hope that I can have some myself someday. I think maybe it’s safe to feel now. People tell me good news and they are happy, I know I should be happy and think I feel slightly happy, but don’t know how to demonstrate it. When people tell me bad news and they are sad, I know I should feel bad and I feel slightly lower in mood, but I can’t relate to the emotion. When people say something shocking, I’m not surprised, I find their words interesting and perhaps attention worthy, but I fail to even raise an eyebrow. People say things and I stand there watching them gauging my reaction and looking at me oddly because I have no emotional response. I try to figure out what emotion they are expecting me to feel so that I could try to simulate it. I wouldn’t want to pretend to have one that is inappropriate or make them uncomfortable. I never wanted my emotions to affect other people or to be told not to feel negatively, but now I’m just looked at strangely for never changing my steady mood. I’m peaceful and stable, I look, I listen, I think, and I keep it to myself.

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