What if? – The Condition of Control

27 Jan

Secret Saturday

I’m struggling right now. I’m messing up, ruining everything. I’m trying not to feel anything, but I want to feel everything. I don’t want to shut him out. Since he visited and left in December,  it has been all downhill for me, for both of us. I have the gift of being able to turn it all off until I can deal with it, I lived
my life without feeling until I met him.

When he was here, I couldn’t believe it, I let myself go almost completely and I didn’t think much about it. Then he left and I talk to him on the phone again, I feel like hanging my head in shame. I’m so ashamed that I can’t speak, I’m hiding inside. I had so much passion, lost so much control, and wanted so much, but I loved every minute of it and can’t wait to do it again. That was until he left and I started thinking again. I didn’t talk much during his visit,  I felt ashamed of my desire the entire time. I don’t know if it’s okay to want him so much, I’m serious, I really don’t know. I don’t know if it’s okay to want him to do certain things and always remind me of them, even briefly, it’s the highlight of my day. Just a suggestive phrase from him and I suddenly surge with desire, my mood rises and I feel that dreaded hope that I try not to have, he makes me weak and strong all at once. I get my hope fron him, it’s too hard to maintain it all by myself. Maybe he has the same problem, but I don’t know how to give it to him. Tell me how.

I can’t deal with us being apart so I choose not to feel, not to love, not to hope. If he wants to step back, it breaks my heart, but I won’t stop him. I think that him wanting to be with me is a mistake. I left him for the sake of the peace he wouldn’t let me have and to save him from all the unhappiness I caused him as the source of all his misery. It was for the good of both of us. “What if I still can’t meet his needs?”  I know his heart is broken, I wish I could say something without destroying myself, this is how I’m dealing with it and I say nothing. I’m afraid to have hope, hope has let me down. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work when he was here and I begged him to stay with me. I don’t know how I expect him to understand,  maybe he won’t, so he’ll move on. Right now, being emotionless I can accept that. The last thing I felt before I stopped feeling emotions when I was 12 was debilitating,  soul crushing fear, I had to detatch from it or become unable to function. My mother’s condition caused her to be be put in the hospital, I learned that we are all eventually going to burn to death due to global warming, although it didn’t happen before I grew up as I feared. When there’s too much pain and I shut down. It hurts too much to be apart from him, I can’t do better right now, the emotions are too heavy and I’m afraid that if I feel them that I will be crushed by their weight. I don’t know what will happen if I accept them and I don’t know what will happen if I don’t. If I stop locking them up then I will be hit by either a severe emotional storm or a boulder. The boulder scares me, but don’t know if I could deal with a storm either. I had the “what ifs syndrome”, the worst game ever. “What if I get my hopes up and want this so much, but something happens and he can’t move here or visit? What if I don’t see him for a year because he’s in debt and has no money? What if everything we hope for doesn’t work out? What if I never see him again?” I do the “what if” game alone, you can see why, it’s depressing and I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I don’t want to tell him what I feel, because I feel I want and need him here now. Maybe I could get a job if him can’t find one. I feel such a horrible strain when I think about saving money and paying every bill. I don’t want to look at it, I can’t. I’m afraid to confirm my fear that there is nothing left to save. Even as he is getting discouraged and with me feeling powerless to help him without revealing myself and crumpling into a nonfunctional heap of enotion, I fantasize about him. When I’m drifting to sleep I can’t tell where the fantasy ends and the dream begins. All I can do is dream, I never needed hope to dream and I am afraid to hope.
I recall him asking that I tell him why I love him. I wanted to read this to him, but then the water pipes froze and I went into crisis mode. So I guess, here it is. If I read it aloud then I will edit out a couple words because I feel embarrassed by them or maybe just skip that whole verse or delete it right now. (I didn’t delete it) Lol.

I love his Smile      
And love his laugh
I love his wile
I love his path
Leading to me     
I love how his face lights up some days          
I love his integrity                                       
His Sensitive ways                                    

I love his authorative voice
I love that he claims me
The strength in his choice                             
I love his energy

I love his boldness
His Confidence
I love his best guess
When he has good sense

I love his Concern
So passionate
His willingness to learn
I love his wit

I love his kiss
I love his touch
It’s him I miss
And love so much.

I’m still working on that book, but much slower now, I’m nearing a very painful part of it that I dread reliving. So now, instead, I’ve started a new book, a sort of romance where I can pretend things happen and it’s always amazing. Yep, I took a break into fantasy land and don’t know how long I’ll be on this detour, I guess I’m taking the scenic route at the moment. I’ll get back to it, because I have to finish what I started. One of the books I’m working on is bound to be worth publishing. I have about 6 on my project list at the moment.

Relationship memoir
Poem book
Fantasy about a forest
Science Fiction/Fantasy about a civilization
Fantasy about a mysterious painting
Romance story

I guess they’ll all eventually get done unless the list gets longer.


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