” I Love You” Isn’t Good Enough

17 Jan

Wailing Wednesday

“I love you.” Why are those words meaningless to me? I was a 20 year old virgin, do you know how I made it to 20 as a virgin?  By not believing the words, “I love you.”  My husband says to me “I love you” and I think he expects some kind of reaction, but I feel nothing . I do love him, but I feel nothing when he says those words. I appreciate what the words are supposed to mean, but that’s apparently not what they mean to me. I did some soul searching and figured out what those words actually mean to me and that is “I’m lying through my teeth.Trust me so I can hurt you.” So now maybe someone understands why I have to keep reminding myself to not get insulted when my husband says this to me. I don’t think he’s lying,  but I just can’t believe those words. I have actually had an argument over those words, because I didn’t say them. (Sigh) Now I say them, but only because he likes them. He keeps asking if I like to hear those words, I keep saying those words mean nothing to me. They mean worse than nothing. Sometimes when he says he loves me I feel so skeptical that I ask “why”. I never ask “how much” because I don’t think that’s a fair question since I feel that love is immeasurable and that’s how it should be . He asks how much I love him and I say “enough to fill the infinite universe.” He wants to know what he should say to me instead of “I love you.” I like when he says other things like “You are my heart” and when he calls me “My love” so much that I could melt. I prefer to say to him “You are my love” because there is no other and never has been. I’ve just never loved anyone else. There was a time I thought I loved someone,  I was mistaken . He says he’s never loved anyone as much as me and with the things he does in bed,  him pursuing me when I left him (everytime despite his bitter promise to let go and me asking that he give up), and his tone of voice when we talk… I think I believe him.

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