A Love I Gave Myself To

14 Jan

Manic Monday

It’s Manic Monday. It could be something totally crazy or it could be about passion. Maybe today it’s both.

I was 20 when I met him and a virgin. I wanted only one lover for my entire life and I hadn’t found him, I wondered if I ever would.

I knew him before I saw him. I didn’t know what he looked like, I fell in love when I heard him come into the place where I worked. It was the loudest voice I’d ever heard and I tried to get a peek at him from the break room. He had to be about 50 years old. I was in love with his energy,  his certainty, his commanding presence, and the passion I was sure he had.  I Told myself he was probably married with kids older than I was. I asked God to give me a sign if it was meant to be and I decided to leave him alone. That was the end of that, Or so I thought. On my way to my next break he stopped me. It was my 2nd day at work and I didn’t know him or if I was in trouble. He introduced himself as the maintenance supervisor (not my department) and offered to help with anything I needed. I thought he was flirting, but decided it was my imagination. I talked myself out of asking him out. I’m quiet and never approach people so it wasnt hard to talk myself out of it. I decided again that he wasn’t available and I meant to stay away from him. It was too convenient, too perfect. He was just being nice and I aimed to put him out of my mind. It was interesting that he kept ending up everywhere I was and kept talking to me. I was getting paid by the piece, not by the hour, I worked more slowly while he talked, his presence made me clumsy and I kept almost dropping things. His conversations were very inappropriate, but I was entertained and answered all his  questions including the ones about my sexual experience. I would always answer anything people asked me. I answered several embarrassing questions that were none of his business.  I started to think he was toying with me, but I played along, I like a good game. I loved his attention and the way he looked at me. It was as if he could see right through me and into my soul. If he wanted to be my first, he was ruining his chances by being too interested in sex. I scolded myself for my thoughts and I was glad he couldn’t read my mind because I kept thinking over and over, “I could fall in love with you” during all his questions. It was a scary thought. My boyfriend and I had sex discussions all the time so I wasn’t so uncomfortable with the subject to end it. I let conversations go and see where they end up. My boyfriend at the time was a tease and I was getting annoyed but almost certainly wasn’t ready. After several times of stopping in my aisles, I got the impression that the maintenance supervisor wanted to ask me out and I was getting impatient. I answered his every question so he knew I had a boyfriend. It must have been odd to meet a 20 year old with a boyfriend who was still a virgin with zero experience. I showed him my ID to prove I was 20. I was reluctant to answer the boyfriend question because I didn’t want to scare him off, but surprisingly he didn’t leave me alone. He asked “Is there room in your heart for me?” His smile melted my heart.I said, “maybe.” He promised me I’d love him. Who did he think he was? I wasn’t sure I was in love with my boyfriend, although he was a nice boy and a great friend. I could talk to him about anything but I didn’t want to hurt him with news of someone else. Finally I had a date with this maintenance supervisor that had my interest and he never showed up. The next day of work he ignored me. It was just as well because I had a boyfriend, I could let it go… except it happened again. A couple of times guys asked me out as a joke when I was in Jr. High School. It didn’t matter because I had no interest,  but this time… this time I had a nagging curiosity, “How far could this go?”  I thought “Would I be able to live without knowing the answer?” I was in the break room as he was passing through talking and laughing with people. I was going to let him go, he didn’t even acknowledge me. He was just walking off like he didn’t spend an entire night at work stalking me and distract me from earning decent pay on my piecerate job. That 20 seconds felt like an eternity, it was like time had stopped because it’s hard to believe I had so many thoughts and feelings in those few seconds before I made the decision “Now or never.” No one who ever knew me would ever believe what I did if they weren’t there, I don’t believe it and I WAS there.  I wanted to give him a chance even though I thought he was playing a game, because I felt it was him, he was the one and I felt it from the moment I first heard him. In Jr. High School a boy I had a crush on died before I ever had a chance to talk to him, I was devastated.  He wasnt good looking either, probably a nerd, but I thought he was cute and I was attracted to intelligence. If I’d talked to him maybe he would have been with me instead of dying that night. Not another 6 years of torment thinking “What if?” His death is what taught me to seize the moment and go for what/who I want. That day in that eternity of being ignored, I wouldn’t accept it. I stood up as he had nearly left the break room. In front of about 10 of our coworkers. I would have preferred to speak with him privately, I actually didn’t want anyone to know that we had a date, but it couldn’t be helped. I threw it all on the line right there, “Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”
“I waited for you and you never showed up.”
“Uh… I..was scared.”
I thought, “What?” What was there to be scared of? I said, “You couldn’t call?”
“…I.. you’re right. I should have called. It’ll never happen again.
“Mmm hmm”
“I’ll call you. I promise. ”
“Suuure you will.”
“I’ll make it up to you. ”
“We’ll see.”
We were dating after that and he was bugging me about when we’d have sex. I wasn’t ready. I told him I’d had my boyfriend for 8 months and we hadn’t slept together, so 8 months. Most guys would have fled like always. When he touched me, he had to remind me to breathe and I didn’t know I wasn’t breathing. Lol. He made me want something more. I broke up with my boyfriend because I didn’t want to cheat on him and chose a man 22 years older than me. After 2 weeks we were at a motel. We didn’t have sex. He promised not to lay a hand on me, we just didn’t want to be apart. He tried oral on me, but I hated it. He held me and we slept, just slept. It was 1 month instead of 8 months when I let him. He was at my place, my father and the woman we stayed with wasn’t home. He touched me intimately and reminded me to breathe. I always forgot that part. Lol. He asked me if he could lick me there. I said “what? …No.” He begged me to let him. I’d never let anyone touch me there, but him and I hadn’t liked it. I finally said ok. It caused me to twitch all over uncontrollably and I still didn’t like it. I hadn’t the experience to tell him why, that he was doing it too hard. I loved his touch, even if forgetting to breathe might have killed me. It wasn’t fair of him to ask at that moment if he could enter me.” I paused for a second and nodded. I was in love with him, but was terrified that he’d take me and leave me. I decided that every guy had always run off and I didn’t want to die a virgin (the world is always on the verge of ending. Lol), and for the first time I really wanted to, I wanted to marry a man I’d known for a month. I wanted to marry him before I ever laid eyes on him, when I first heard him, but I hadn’t wanted to sleep with him. I had hoped the subject of sex would never come up. I was terrified of sex since learning what it was. My mother decided to tell me how painful the first time would be when she was drunk. It would have been more helpful if she said that a man would try to put his thing in my pee hole, that is horrifying. It was 2 years after my horrifying discovery and I wasn’t over it, but I was trusting him. He asked, “Are you sure?” I said “yes” and so he asked again. I said “yes. Come on.” I was sure. He didn’t know what he was getting into. This meant he had to be my husband or walk away. I expected him to walk away. He pressed inside me and it was the worst pain I’d ever experienced.  I wished I could die, but I didn’t change my mind. There was no one else I’d ever let hurt me so intensely. When the pain stopped and it started to feel good I got scared. I didn’t expect it to change. I had been pushing him out with my arms the whole time because I couldn’t bear the pain, but I became forceful when I got scared. He stopped and pulled out, but he shouldn’t have. I had lost my virginity and I was sticky and sore. I called my job after considering what to say. I had contemplated telling the truth, that I’d lost my virginity and was too sore to work, but I decided against it and said I was sick. Pain can count as an illness, right? I could have died from that pain. Well… maybe not. Lol. If he was going to be at work I would have worked that day, despite the soreness, but it was his day off. I thought about how awkward I would have looked walking with a pain between my legs, I probably walked more like a chicken than a person. I laughed at the thought. Some days at work after that I was still sore and he teased me with the mention of more sex, I felt like it would be more punishment than enjoyment and he knew it. He gave me time to recover, after 3 weeks I was still scared, but we had another night at a motel. My next day at work was complicated after that, some lunatic I worked with thought he was my fiancé. That was an interesting day. Lol


2 Responses to “A Love I Gave Myself To”

  1. tawandafreemanthompson January 15, 2013 at 6:03 am #

    Reblogged this on tawandafreemanthompson's Blog.

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