A Lonely Tear to Cry

13 Jan

Substance Sunday

Today is Substance Sunday. Time to explore the murky depths.  I’ve heard that somewhere before, but who says the depths have to be murky?

I’ve talked to my husband about things I’ve never talked to anyone else about. I let him do things to me I’ve never let anyone else do. I have yet to meet anyone else that I would have been willing to give my virginity to. I don’t think there is another person, or I have yet to meet him. I told him what happened to me when I was molested by my mother’s boyfriend at 16. He met the man that molested me, I wonder how much restraint it took to not kill him. I needed to forget it happened,  that man came over to our house a couple times after my mother died. He was like a father to me when my father wasn’t there, maybe my husband understood that. The man that molested me has been dead a few years now. Father figure or not, I did not go to his funeral, no one in our family did. I don’t know why they didn’t go, he was a family friend, we all knew him. Maybe I didn’t go because I didn’t know how to feel. Maybe I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to believe he was dead. I used to feel so safe around him, I hadn’t been alone with him since it happened,  seeing him, I always had it in the back of my mind. I wanted so much to forget, why can’t I just forget? I was sorry that I told. I wanted him to forget it too, to forgive me, just forgive me and pretend it never happened.

My husband understands me more than I mean for him to. No one is supposed to know that much. I cannot lie to him, the will to do it is just not in me. I can say the opposite of the truth, but he knows because I smile, laugh, or my tone of voice changes. I know it is useless, but it isn’t lying because the cues are too powerful to even qualify as a lie. If he knows the truth of whatever I’ve done or didn’t do, I know he will forgive me. He is the only one I’m sure of. He says he loves me more now than he ever has. It’s been 14 years, he should be sick of me by now. I was sick of HIM: of his verbal abuse, criticizing, yelling, emotional abuse, his pessimism, ruining my decidedly happy moods and my enjoyment, sulking in his resentment of me. I am peace, I suppose no one can really be tired of peace and acceptance. I took my peace and left him. I’m glad he’s different now. We could have avoided this separation if he’d done as I said just two months after we’d gotten together. I told him what to do only once. We can try this again. I’ll let him back into my life. I’ve told him again what to do. I hope he’s got it this time, I hope he understands what to do. I have never argued with him except a couple of times. I despise getting tricked into arguing. He hits a subject that I care about and distorts it with his paranoid delusions,  that’s how he gets me, I won’t get dragged in again. I don’t want to be yelled at either. He gets annoyed with me over the phone sometimes, I hear it in his voice. I sometimes get upset when I feel I’m being scolded or criticized,  I shut him out and want to stop talking to him. Though, when he’s just annoyed, I smile. I know that he doesn’t mean to take that tone with me and I’ve annoyed him, I know that he loves me. I didn’t know that when I left him, but I know it now. I whisper words that he can’t hear, that I love him very deeply. I am always whispering things so that he can’t hear. It would be so embarrassing if he heard some of the things that I mean to say, but don’t mean for anyone to hear. They are secrets that I wish he knew, but can’t express, not yet.

I can do just fine on my own. I haven’t been with anyone in the year we’ve been separated because I know who my soulmate is. We just weren’t ready to meet, it had to be too soon. I hoped he would find someone who liked fighting at home where there should be peace or that he’d at least find someone who appreciated being yelled at. We lose any chance at intimacy everytime he wants to start a fight. Now he says he’s grown and learned. I already learned years ago what I needed to know, that I have a soulmate and I don’t want to hurt him. Maybe he caught up, what a slow learner! Lol. It’s too soon to tell him everything I think and feel and want. I sort of trust him, that he’s not going anywhere.  Why can’t I get over thinking that it’s not important,  that I’m not important? I feel so embarrassed and vulnerable with some of my thoughts, feelings, and wants sometimes that I can’t even speak. This is impossible,  I can’t do this. How can I do this? I start feeling like this is all a mistake, we shouldn’t get back together, he should find someone else. What if I can’t let him in? I want to lock the doors and run away.

If people release their pain through tears then I am truly broken. I haven’t been able to cry for years. Even realizing that I can’t cry hurts. I can muster up a lonely teardrop that never obtains the mass needed to get gravity’s attention,  so it sits there in the corner of my eye until the tickle annoys me and I wipe it away.

I know why I can’t cry, it’s because my husband has cut me too deep during his rampages, during his calm talks in which he criticizes me, during the times when I cried and he didn’t care at all. I don’t want to blame him, I just can’t think of how I could shut out all his words, even his threats of suicide that made my heart drop into my stomach. I didn’t know why that happened, I didn’t care about him, or I needed to pretend that I didn’t. Sometimes there is a wound so deep that it doesn’t bleed. My husband and I talk for long periods of time now. I’m happy that he’s changed. He said he can help me to cry, I don’t know how he can do that. Even if someone dies I will not be able to cry emotionally, so it may be more respectful to stay away from the funeral. He always makes me think about how much money we’d have in benefits if he died. I am cut off from half of my emotions, but I hate when he does this. I thought about it on my own not many days ago. I felt myself becoming upset, I felt my eyes filling up with a tear and it was probably more than one, it felt heavy. I started thinking of something else before gravity noticed and wiped my eyes because I don’t cry, not ever. I wish I could cry, but it’s just one tear at a time and I have to save that, what if I need that one? I don’t even know if I can cry from physical pain. Is there more than one tear left in me?

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2 Responses to “A Lonely Tear to Cry”

  1. tawandafreemanthompson January 13, 2013 at 11:06 pm #

    Reblogged this on tawandafreemanthompson's Blog.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Melanie’s Self Analysis Time, Please Enjoy the Spectacle | melanie's blog - February 4, 2013

    […] A Lonely Tear to Cry (tltshay.wordpress.com) […]

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