Tricked into Love

5 Jan

Sigh… I have fallen back in love with my husband.  Yeah, stupid, I know.  We have been separated over a year. It wasn’t fair, I was worn down while awake and then attacked in my dream.

He pursued me for a year. He wouldn’t accept that we were separated and never getting back together. I didn’t file for divorce, I didn’t want a divorce. I learned recently that my sister was telling him that I love him behind my back because I wouldn’t consider a divorce. I have been totally cut off from my emotions,  but I can’t say she wasn’t right. I never denied that I love him, but I refused to be treated the way he was treating me any longer. Being treated like the sole cause of his unhappiness,  emotionally abused, verbally abused,  yelled at, and resented wasn’t doing anyone any good. My shutting off my emotions allowed me to not forfeit my self esteem and not accept his blame or responsibility for his happiness. I was telling him that I just don’t believe in love anymore and I felt like I’ve wasted years believing in a myth. He wanted to prove the existence of love and have a fairytale romance. He had 13 years and gradually showed me that there is no such thing as love. I didn’t want to go back down that road with him. I prayed he would find someone else and leave me alone. I just wanted to be alone and I was never going to be within 3 feet of another man that wasn’t my father. My husband was my first before we were married.  I only ever wanted to be with one man for my entire life, but it didn’t work out because he wouldn’t marry me and I left him for 3 months. I never planned to return to him and I was with someone else. I only mention this because of what I learned. I learned that I didn’t love my boyfriend and I wanted my man back. I was still in love with him. I learned that I don’t have the ability to love anyone else. That was it for me, it was going to be him or no one at all and I wasn’t ready to be alone. I was a 20 year old virgin when I met him, 25 years old when I left him, and 25 when I went back to him. Now I am completely ok with being alone. I assured him that I didn’t leave him to find someone else, I left him to be alone and to have the peace he wouldn’t let me have. I listened to the changes he claimed to have made and the things he claimed to have learned. It was all impossible to believe at first because he spoke to me coldly and sternly over the phone and I wasn’t putting up with it. After months of separation he warmed up and we made friend status. He visited in August, it was a perfect few days doing family activities and staying in a hotel as friends with our 5 kids. The last night he claimed he was almost out of money when he was taking us home, I invited him to stay the night at my house as a FRIEND. Well, that didn’t work out and I’m ashamed that I let him trick me into being in the same room with him. It changed nothing, we weren’t back together, so forget it. From November 1st 2011 to August 14th 2012 I was with no one, not bad. After that, a month after I was betrayed by my own dreams. It was the best dream I had in a long time, it melted the wall that I keep around my heart. I woke up with no wall and the soulmate in my dream was my husband. Weird, right? I was nervous that it was a mistake.  I thought that I should meditate and rebuild my walls before deciding anything, but I didn’t listen to myself. Without my walls I have something called emotions.  I was in love, I was excited, and impatient.  I called him almost immediately after waking up. I warned him that I suffered from temporary insanity, but I was willing to give him another chance. That was 3-4 months ago and we are on very good terms, but still separated. At 1000 miles apart, we have a very good long distance relationship. I’m not moving back to Illinois because I have moved forward, I’m not going back, but he is invited to join me where I am. All this is probably very boring, but I felt I had to lay the background in case it comes up later. My temporary insanity is currently an ongoing thing. I am working on a memoir about the course of my love for him, I’m very excited about it.

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