Empty Threats

31 Dec

My husband has me trapped in this love with him. Yesterday, he scolded me very harshly that I didn’t eat right away, I shutdown my emotions. I told him I didn’t like what he was doing,  but he didn’t stop. Today he called on his break and I couldn’t resist answering the phone.

I felt love for him slip in when my phone rang, I’m sure the ringtone “I love me some him” didn’t help any. He sounded happy and loving, I sounded cold and distant. He asked what I was angry with him about. I said he had been the angry one, I had no feeling at all after he’d scolded me.  I guess that was kind of a lie, I was a bit angry that he scolded me relentlessly like a child. He said that he hadn’t meant to scold me. I figured that was supposed to be an apology and I accepted it. My emotions revived more quickly than I thought possible.  I really don’t want to shutdown, it just happens in response to emotional pain so that I don’t cry. I don’t even have the ability to cry anymore.  He said that if he was here he wouldn’t need to scold me. Yeah,  he’s been threatening to spank me for not listening to him. We’re not even in that type of relationship.  I envisioned what might happen. He’d either prepare me some food and insist I eat it or… convince me by using his belt. I can’t stop him if he pinned me down, so I’d be in trouble.

I don’t enjoy him asking if I ate. Most of the time I must say “no”. Then he tells me to eat and I protest for whatever reason: not hungry, more important things to do, just don’t want to, etc. I don’t see what the big deal is, I didn’t pass out that time. He gets a stern, yet gentle tone with me. I love that and I don’t debate it further. I feel the seriousness in his tone.He tells me to eat something and says, “Do you understand? ” The answer to that is always “yes” and I eat even when I hadn’t planned to because I don’t want to disappoint him.

It was the doctor’s fault that I nearly passed out a few weeks ago. I wanted to go home to eat. I always skip breakfast but usually eat a small lunch. I had been there all day and hadn’t eaten since the previous night and that was just a worthless bowl of Ramen Noodles for dinner. They had drawn my blood and then I felt weird like the strength was quickly being drained out of me.  It was an amazing sensation,  I was losing the strength to stand up. It was perfect that I was at the doctor’s office because they noticed something was wrong when I sat on the floor in front of the reception desk to check out. The receptionist asked if I felt weak and I nodded. She told the doctor.  I didn’t see what the big deal was, I just wanted to check out. 3 medical people came out to the lobby. One of them went to get a wheelchair.  I had been at the doctor’s office all day and hadn’t eaten, I just wanted to leave. By the time the wheelchair came out I was going blind. I told them I couldn’t see, but I did see spots and everything was blurry and going dim. When I told them I was going blind I could barely hear my voice because I was going deaf. It was all very interesting.  They put something that said ammonia in front of my nose that kept me conscious, it smelled horrible and they did that twice. After 2 juices, a soda,  and 2 packs of peanut butter crackers I regained my eyesight and hearing, no harm done. I’m fine. A week later I was informed that my blood test showed that my blood sugar was 52.

When my husband called again today, he asked if I ate. I had leftover spaghetti.  He asked if he’d been too hard on me last night and he had been. He gave me a real apology and said he hates himself. I told him he’s not allowed to hate himself because I truly love him. I really do.

I’m not allowed to curse. He’s never known me to curse so it’s not necessary to threaten me. I only curse when I’m frustrated to the point of my now nonexistent tears. When he hears it he threatens to spank me with his belt and dares me to say it again. Like I already said, we don’t have that type of relationship so I have no reason to believe him. I am always tempted to test him by cursing again, but something makes me silent. He sounds serious and I just don’t have the nerve. That’s the only thing I’m not allowed to do and I don’t have to do anything he says. It’s fine, because I don’t want to curse anyway, it’s a waste of breath, a lot of unnecessary extras that mean nothing.

I would trust my husband to do what he thinks is necessary, whatever that may be, but I will not be yelled at.

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