Separation and Shame

5 Nov

I left Illinois last year on November 1st. It’s hard to believe that more than a year has passed since those fateful days. Had I not been cornered in the car on September 3rd, 2011,  I’d still be in Illinois now.

I can imagine still being stuck in the middle of nowhere with my husband telling me to find us a place to move, but saying he had no security deposit. I can’t imagine how he could tell everyone that it’s my fault we lived there, because I didn’t find a place elsewhere. He seemed perfectly happy to leave me stranded everyday while he made his escape to work for 12+ hours a day. On my birthday in February,  he came home from work and I wasn’t there. I had gone back to my hometown long after he had ordered me to leave right before Christmas. I told him I was leaving, its not my fault he didn’t believe me. I had never travelled alone before, there was no transportation in the entire town, imagine the desperation it takes to leave alone with 5 kids for the first time. I was gone for only a week because I couldn’t find a place to stay, not even with my family. I next left the middle of nowhere in July of the same year when he gave me the idea to not return with him after his family reunion. I had not thought that staying in my hometown was an option. He dropped me and the kids at my family’s house.  I was gone for 2 weeks after being unable to find even a shelter to take us in and my family urging me to go back to the impending danger of my husband’s rampages. During each separation he kept asking me to return and didnt understand why I had left. Upon each return he was kind for the same amount of time the kids and I had been gone, but he quickly forgot. I’m not sure what it was he forgot, maybe he forgot about love, maybe he forgot that I could leave for a week. Maybe that was the problem, that I could only impose upon my family for a week. On September 3rd everything changed and he was banned from our rented house. (See 1000 Miles to Freedom) I lived alone for 2 months without a word from him. He had to appear in court for driving on a suspended license, I had to appear in court to keep the restraining order against him. In the meantime he wanted everyone to think that I’d lost my mind. He had threatened to kill himself multiple times and made attempts, but told people I was the crazy one. I was getting harrassed by his family. He was paying no child support and they felt he couldnt continue to pay the rent and furniture rental for a place he didn’t live. I dont know what they expected, but I began planning to move again. They were likely assuming I’d return to my hometown, but I know the definition of insanity. I obtained the bus tickets that DCFS was kind enough to provide. On the advice of my lawyer I didn’t return to court to extend the restraining order which may have obstructed my move. I Was nervous because I’d be there an entire weekend with no restraining order and He’d be free to show up as he pleased. He showed up on Saturday night. His family wanted him to return in order to avoid more trouble. They came to get him but he would not leave. The situation was horrifying, but I didn’t panic. I told them that he could stay and that I’d call them first if a problem occurred. I can’t tell you how we ended up in bed together. I hadn’t bothered to get my birth control shot 2 months prior because of the restraining order and I dreamed of being with no one else. No need for birth control, right? I was right, I just didn’t expect this. I had been through too much to be in the mood, but I was afraid to refuse. I just hoped I wouldn’t get pregnant by my husband right before a long distance separation. I had a long time ago given him permission to use force if I ever refused to sleep with him. He’d done so twice some years ago. I’d fought him but he overpowered me and never seemed to notice my tears. We spent all the weekend together and I felt nervous the entire time like I was sent in to deactivate a bomb. He knew I was packing to move, his presence interferred with my preparations. If he’d staked his claim of love sooner, before the nonrefundable tickets, I may have been swayed. We had a nice time although I never let my guard down. Monday morning he stayed to see us off instead of going to work and I pretended not to see his tears. I gave him a copy of our itinerary and we stayed in touch often during the 3 day trip. I never told anyone we slept together several times that weekend, I felt too ashamed to admit it and doubly ashamed for enjoying it. It was a waiting game to find out if I was pregnant and not having any periods or symptoms makes it difficult to tell, but a baby would have been born by now.

We’ve been separated a year and I’d been with no one else. He was aggressively trying to convince me to take him back, but he seemed obsessed and unstable. I had no interest and wished he’d find someone else already. Love was irrelevant. Yet, why did it hurt so much when he said he changed but it wasn’t for me? Why did it hurt when he seemed not to care which is what I wanted? I wanted him to stop caring so he could stop being in pain, I could live with my pain but his was eating him up as I continually refused him and he refused to accept it.

My husband visited the kids in August of this year. We stood with my sister to meet her husband who recently made the rank of Chief on the Navy pier in Norfolk, Virginia. We planned 3 days of activities. Each family in our own hotel room. All went well. At the end of the 3 days there was one problem. My husband needed to somewhere to stay after dropping us near home. I had never given him my address due to fear that he may drop in unannounced and refuse to leave again. The trip had gone well, he’d given no indication of interest in me, and I knew of no hotels which he tried guilting me into researching. I invited him to my place and let him stay in my bedroom alone while I remained in the family room. I wanted to be close to him, but I didnt dare because he might not have self control or what if he sent me away or what if it made it harder for him to leave? At 1am I went to my room, but the door was closed and I didnt intend to wake him. Around 3am he called my name. Who knows what for? I went and lay next to him. I should have expected it. I was disgraced again with no birth control and again too ashamed to ever admit it or that I enjoyed it. My self defense was weak and he did the things I like. Well, If I was pregnant I’d know by now. No one knows me here on WordPress and no one I know likes to read on the Internet, so my secret shame is safe with everyone here.


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