Maybe I’m Heartless

29 Oct

I just realized that the words “I love you” are completely meaningless to me. I have no feeling associated with those words.

I’m told I don’t say them, Well, I don’t say meaningless things. I say other things instead. The words “I love you” hurt me, it’s a lie people say to me. Maybe I’m the only one being lied to with those words. I hear “I love you, but…” or the words are said so easily but the actions and all the other words just don’t match up. So I just can’t shake the feeling that the phrase”I love you” is a lie. I think that everyone saying such words is lying to me. I stayed true until I was 20, I’ve heard such sweet sounding lies. Wait,.. maybe “I love you” is the only lie I heard, but it sounded sweet. I may have even believed some lies, but it didn’t matter because I wasn’t ready and was abandoned quickly. All lies… just lies. I don’t know what anyone can do to make those words stand on their own, because they don’t.

This is what I deal with today. My husband and I have been separated a year and he has been phone stalking me trying to get back together. We were talking seriously about the possibility for 2 weeks. I agreed he could come live with me and our 5 kids. Now today, here’s this nonsense that he doesn’t know if I love him. I didn’t get the hint. I felt like all the words I told him were wasted. I told him that he is my heart. Doesn’t that mean the same? I told him about the moment that I felt in love. We talked about when we met and everything. He didn’t believe I was a virgin at 20 and asked to see some ID. Lol. Yeah, I got that alot, but I wasn’t ashamed. I felt like a diamond. I didn’t listen to those girls that told me I should sleep with guys before I got my first period. It was all I had and I wasn’t giving it to someone that cared nothing about me and it wasn’t for sale for any amount of love they claimed to have for me. Oh… what what I saying? Yeah, my husband told me I don’t love him and I was feeling that getting back together may be a mistake because he was doubting me again. I said “I cant spend all my time trying to convince you. If you don’t know by now then it’s impossible.” I left him and moved away¬† because of the way he treated me in the midst of his saying “I love you”. It’s not that I don’t believe the person talking to me, I don’t believe the words, if I put a meaning to the words “I love you”…, “I love you” means “I’m lying through my teeth, accept me so I can hurt you.” There you go. That’s what those words mean in my heart. When I feel I want to believe he loves me, I ask him to tell me “why?” or “since when?” I don’t ever ask “How much” because any answer would be meaningless to me because I can’t measure love and I don’t expect anyone else to be able to. If I’m told he loves me as much as the heavens… how would he know that? Has he been to heaven? If he loves as much as the intensity of the sun, has he felt the sun’s intensity? I’ve been trying to come up with other ways to say “I love you” so that I don’t feel like I’m saying “I’m lying through my teeth, accept me so I can hurt you.” How about I just always say, “You are my heart” to him, I truly feel that he is my soul, but I don’t like admitting that because he hasn’t treated me right. I can choose to be alone forever if I don’t feel love and if I’m not trusted, I won’t go deal with a man’s paranoia anymore and I can’t be bought with lies. I get so turned off with accusations and then I’m accused more for not being in the mood. Why should I go through it? I say “I love you” if he says it first, he said that today. It’s true, I wish I didn’t have to say it at all, but then he harasses me about it. Maybe I’m heartless, but why does my heart ache if I don’t have one?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: