27 Jan

It feels tragic that paying every bill in full will leave us penniless no matter how I look at it.

There’s no assistance in the state of North Carolina unless they’re keeping secrets. I was told I need a cutoff notice to get any assistance at all. I didn’t want one of those. I could do it, I can cover every utility and the rent. I would have to choose between having Internet and having phone service just to be able to buy household goods. Tv service? That’s not a consideration because I don’t have tv service.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about what needs to cover in February. The electric bill is outrageous. I don’t think I can get by another month without a working desktop computer even though I’m told I don’t need to fix my computer and I suppose the kids don’t need to do research for school.

As a pc technician it’s been my opinion that everyone with a residence and electricity NEEDS a computer regardless of their income. I wanted to open a nonprofit business to fix the computers of people with low income for free and even build computers for them, but where does money for something like that come from?

I’m sorry that I get annoyed with what people say at times. People would say that I don’t NEED this or that, but that can be said about anything. I don’t NEED to pay bills unless I WANT their services. I don’t NEED furniture unless I WANT somewhere to sit. You do what you don’t want to do such as paying bills because of LOSING what you WANT. I don’t NEED to do anything at all unless I WANT to live and the way I WANT to live DICTATES what I NEED. Don’t tell ME I what I don’t NEED unless you can tell me how I WANT to live.

I guess I get this thinking from my dad. He always used to smoke, but nothing annoyed me more than being trapped in a small car filled with smoke. He had several small Toyota cars. Some days it would be 20 degrees outside and we’d be flying down the highway from Chicago at 80 miles per hour. I HATE being cold, but suffocating would kill me. I’d say “roll down the window” He’d ALWAYS say “why?” I know saying something ALWAYS happens is usually not true, but there’s no way around it because I have no memory of him not saying “Why?” I’d say “I need fresh air”
“Why? ”
“So I can breathe. ”
“Breathing is optional. ” The conversation about breathing could stop there or continue different ways but it always started the same and he always opened the side window or roof window and opening a window started a new debate if he opened mine. ALWAYS. If breathing is optional then the words “I have to” lose all meaning because being alive is a choice.
Perhaps you can tell me that I WANT or even NEED electricity, but are you sure about that? There are things people want, but most are assigned a price we are willing to pay. Electricity is not priceless, I will not sacrifice everything to attain it. I will pay a price, but I will not be enslaved because the world thinks I NEED electricity. I will throw all my electronics to the wind before I will be enslaved to electricity. I don’t need it to read, to write, and to dream.. do I need it to eat? That depends on what I eat. Will I die without it? If I become enslaved to it, won’t I already be dead?

Shared with Memoires for Android


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